What Quarantine Has Taught Me
July 12, 2020
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| A glimpse of my activities & happiness during the quarantine |
I’ve been living a super
hectic life from January to February. City to another city, another bus, another
train, and another ojek online to the rescue. I’ve been being a clueless girl
in these last 2 years, finishing a complicated problem that I’ve ever thought I
would never finish it (well it’s done now, thanks to God). So well, cannot
lie, I really enjoy these 2 months-moments of being a busy potato. I feel more
energetic, more positive, and yes, more alive. Then dang!
*Covid-19
is ready to encounter Indonesia. Please, welcome*
At first, it felt like
such a blessing to me. I never felt a free weekend since then but since social
distancing warning is issued by the government, I could feel free from the
activity. I could lie on my bed anytime I want (if Mom wasn’t checked on me
ofc). I could do my self-care routine, and the most important is since my
little sis studied in a different city, and school was off, she went back to us. Finally
after these six years of being here and there (since my little sis and I are
studied far from our home town), we could spend life together. This actually
the thing I’ve never thought before since I always imagined that after
graduating from college, I would be busy looking for a job and go straight to work
in a different city.
After those grateful
moments happened, and thousand smiles are offered, I finally got my drop
moment. That started in mid-March if I’m not mistaken. Every person is going to work
from home, so every one of them needs to do job just for a few hours, less more
than if it is done on the office. There is this best friend of mine. She is just
soooo ambitious, and I adore her so much. She tried to look for others
activities to do at that moment like looking for educational Instagram live from
the public figures, participating in series of webinar (web-seminar), and did
lots of beneficial things related to her major. I was triggered. It supposed to
wake me up and make me motivated but in fact, it made me feeling so blue, thinking
like I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t have a job, yet, I don’t have any
achievement or accomplishment I get after graduated from college. At that time,
I’ve just got an e-mail from one of the companies I tried to apply, said that I’ve
failed after a user interview. That “kartu prakerja” was also haunting me,
since I’ve failed 3 waves of it (well, even if I know if it’s basically on luck
and nothing could I do except for praying). Most of the recruitment projects
are hold because of this emergency situation where every company will save
themselves first before trying to recruit new people. Moreover, as an
extrovert, being in a pandemic situation where you have to stay at home and do everything
from home is suck. I like talking to new people and now it wasn’t going well since the pandemic. Chats became so complicated since it offers misperception. And I was
there laying on the bed, thinking what I should do, feeling useless, and getting
easily irritated.
Then I tried to
self-reflect, trying to reach myself, talking to her, what did she want.
“Maybe
I need a routine” she said.
Yep! That’s what I need. I’ve
been living with routines all the time, I’m really good at it, and the last
time I didn’t have a routine is when everything ruined and destroyed me in the
last 2 years. Yes, that’s what I should do. After that ‘Aha!’ moment, I tried
to make routine and stayed on track.
After waking up, I usually read a book, 50 pages per day minimum. After
that, going sholat dhuha and ready to clean up the home. Watching drama, taking
a bath, joining online course, and listening to educational Instagram live or podcast.
Then evening happened, my dad was coming from the office, and that’s when I got
my free time. Staying with my family, chit-chat, and doing dad jokes all the
time lol. Ah, that’s when I tried to heal my wounded self. I joined a workshop
for healing a wounded inner child, and I used that to heal my last but years
wound, and voila~ it makes me feel so much better. I realized that actually routine
is the exact thing I need to do when everything gets ruined, and I’m glad I
could find that Aha! moment and changes my point of view.
My life was full of
serenity since then, and boom. Suddenly, my mom got sick. That kind of
sickness, everyone prayed not to get hit by it. Everyone in my family got
shocked. It’s right before eid Al-Fitr, yet we got our eyes soaked in tears. Mom
even prayed with swollen eyes. That week felt longer. Mom cried every time she
had the chance (when me & little sis weren’t around). She lost the appetite,
laid on the bed almost all the time, lost her jokes taste, everyone could tell
that something happened on her. But for me? Though I felt soooo heartbroken at the
time, though I cried every time I think of her, though I hide my tears every time
I went bed since my sister slept beside me, I don’t know why but I feel strong.
I felt like God always be there, with me. Every time I asked for serenity, I
got that. God is there, God is always with me. So, I felt stronger. So, I
tried my best to take over her job at home. So, I tried my best to browse all
of the information I need regarding her condition. So, I tried to lessen her load,
yet tried so hard not to make her feel helpless, to make her still always feel
that we need her- though we are mature enough to do things, we still need her.
Everything got calmer. Mom
is getting stronger to face this all. We still support her with all our might. With
that one bad thing happened, I suddenly knew where I should go, whether I
should go looking for work, or do what I’ve always dreamed of. I looked for
other opportunities. Every opportunity I could find. And well, right now I
joined a voluntary organization that focused on mental health improvement, as
a peer counselor. Though it’s a voluntary service, I could get sooo much things
from it since the schedule is no joke and the supervision is really well
programmed. I also invest in mindfulness practice and did a workout routine. And
since then, finally, I could grip the sense of me, my old self that I was
looking for since these last two years. I find me.
So pandemic got me thinking
like, that’s okay if you have a slow life, just don’t forget to get a grip of
yourself. To live by your heart, to feel you in every thing you did in life.😉
一hugs,
Hasna.
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